WOW! It's been a long time since I last posted. Guess that would be because I got out of town for a few weekends. Vacation always means lots of work before leaving and lots of work when I get home. That is because my family did not come with me. I got out of town alone with some family and girlfriends for some scrapbooking. Both times at the beach. It was wonderful.
Since I've been home I've been busy with kids, house work, doctors appointments and trying to reestablish some old routines. Like going to bed early so I can make it to the gym. That one is a hard one to get back in the habit of, but its becoming easier. I've also been trying to get back into reading the Bible daily. Or more regularly. I love reading the Bible, but most of the time I am too tired to put my mind into the Word. Funny thing is I've found that it re-energizes me or restores my tired worn out spirit. It's one of those duh moments. Along with all the change I've been introspective. Sometimes I think I'm too introspective and think things to death. Probably the truth, but sometimes I find what I was looking for.
In two of my last posts I shared a bit about how I became a
believer and my
struggle with myself image. Both of those things are connected. The self image struggles come from before believing and now being a believer I am being challenged to change those beliefs. It's hard to change the way you've looked at yourself for the last 23 or 24 years (not counting the younger years where you know you are so cute everyone loves you). Constantly I find myself rejecting anything that has to do with beauty or femininity. Being the mother of two girls femininity is constantly all around me. I can't avoid it. There is make believe tea party or princess time. Then there is mommy and baby time. Also a lot of talk about weddings and babies being born (for pretends). It's innate. I, like others who were sexual abused, have figured out how to quiet the femininity as a protection mechanism. Does it really protect me though or deaden me further? I would chose deaden me further. So I'm turning up the volume. I'm not cranking it up all at once, just a few notches at a time. Hopefully before my girls are old enough to realize I'll have the volume up and rocking.
One of the struggles of turning up the volume is truthfully answering what is me and what is false protection. Sometimes the line is thin so thin it is hard to see. On a aesthetical level I know coloring my hair in any way is not really me. I'm not rejecting the femininity of it, but I know I don't want to keep going in to have it touched up. Also know I don't want to pay the money to maintain it. Plus I am hoping to have my 95 year old Grandma's genes and wont go gray until I'm old. She didn't go really gray until 80+ years old. Another hard one is what is my style? How does one decide what their style is? Still trying to figure this one out. I'll keep ya all updated with this introspective part of me. For now I'm off to bed a little later than planned.
Comments (1)
Regarding your question you posted. You will know you have come to the end of the internet when a big stop sign comes up on your screen. It says, You Have Reached the End, There is No More to See.
;) Just kidding. I heard someone say that once and I got a kick out of it.